From Park Run to Greenman - running from self doubt

I’m not a fast runner. I’m never going to break 20 minutes at Pomphrey Hill. I haven’t broken 2 hours for a half marathon and my marathon PB starts with a 5. Trying to run fast isn’t my thing. Having fun whilst running and pushing myself further is. I’m more interested in seeing others run faster than getting myself to run fast.

You might know me as the bloke that runs around Pomphrey Hill parkrun near Christmas with a tray of mince pies. I’m proud that I’ve never dropped one yet! Or the person that gets a bit vocal about going ‘Up Pomphrey!’ Or from me running Doynton with a box of chocolates for the marshals. But this isn’t me. This is just part of me.

The “me’ you know was born in 2014. I was working in a job that meant lots of nights away in a hotel and regularly ordering lasagne and a side of chips was starting to take its toll. Reaching that realisation that if I continued on this pathway of poor diet and no exercise, I was destined to be a heart attack statistic. Then fate intervened. My cousins suggested we all try to enter the Great South Run. I had no idea if I could do it but it could be something that at least gets me exercising again. 

With a brand new pair of trainers, I tried to run. Couldn’t even do a mile. I used to be a serious cyclist. I had entered road races, time trials and hill climbs. It was a bit of a reality check that I was now in a state where even 1 mile of running was beyond me. My knees hurt and stairs became problematic.

My friend Wendy had kept posting about parkrun. Maybe that could help me. I found that there was one within walking distance from home. I joined and this lead me to eventually join EGRC. At the time, I was still spending loads of time away from home so had no expectation of being able to attend training sessions. My membership was purely to get race reductions.

I found myself gravitating towards trail runs. Mud is more fun than tarmac. So it wasn’t long before I found out about Green Man. World of difference in going from 10km and half marathons to 46 miles. Could I do it? Big ask for someone who had yet to even run a marathon.

But the little voice told me I couldn’t do it. That little voice that comes out when it’s raining to say you don’t need to have a run today. That voice that says it’s too cold for a run, best to say inside in the warm. I needed something to drown out that voice.

By the time March 2016 came round, I had just finished the Bath Half. Had a decent run but a loo break mid race and a clothing readjustment slowed me down enough to prevent a sub 2 half. Cardiff Half was coming up and it was going to be special. It was the World Half Marathon championship and hopefully when I broke 2 hours.

For the observant among you, you may have picked up on the fact that my current half marathon isn’t sub 2. So what happened? Rain happened. In hindsight it feels like the kind of rain that would have intimidated Noah. I’m sure it wasn’t that bad, but it did rain and it rained hard and cold. My pace slowed and a PB attempt went out the window then my knees started to hurt. I went from running to more of a hobble. 

I wanted to pull out. To go home. But how do I get back to my car? I had no idea where I was and certainly wasn’t carrying any money for the bus. So I carried on. The encouragement from spectators kept me going. The encouragement from team mates like Debra kept me going. Then fate intervened again. 

I saw Meryl, Adrian, Steve and Anne in the crowd shouting encouragement. This isn’t a story of them having a word with me to give me the motivation to get to the end. No. Fate placed them on the other side of the road to where I was. I am convinced if they were on the same side of the road as I was, I would have pulled out. They would have given me a lift back to my car. The only thing that stopped me was trying to wade through all the people running to get to the other side. So I carried on.

I eventually finished. I finished in pain but I finished. As I made my way back to my car, I begin to put the race into context. I had just been challenged in a way that I had never faced before but I still finished. May not have been pretty or fast, but it was still a finish. This gave me some encouragement for Green Man. That little voice screamed at me to give up. I even had my body telling me that stopping might be a good idea. Somehow I managed not to listen to them. Might have been more blind luck than some mental strength but I had taken my first true steps on the road to Green Man.

For me, parkrun is filled with people struggling with that voice of self doubt. People who have never ran 5k before. People thinking can they beat 40 minutes? Or 35 minutes? 30 minutes? Or any time. Self doubt can effect us all. But week after week, people over come those doubts. Every week there are first timers completing their first parkrun. Every week people are getting a new PB.

How do they manage this? By overcoming those doubts. One of things that helps them is the wonderful marshals offering encouragement. Have you noticed how you go a little faster when someone says “Come on!” Is it more effective when they say “Come on Emersons!”? Or mention you by name? Is the encouragement more effective if it is coming from a fellow runner? Or a fellow runner on the home straight?

This is what I try to do. I try to encourage people to achieve their potential. I try to help them realise that they don’t have to listen to that little voice. YOU can run faster. YOU can run up that hill. This is something we can all do. We can all offer that encouragement to help drown out that little voice.

That little voice is so seductive and can be hard to ignore. Especially when you are doing something for the first time. When you do something for the second or third time, you at least have an idea of what lies ahead. There is no frame of reference when you do it for the first time. Like my first Green Man.

My first Green Man was March 2017. I was worried about going that distance. My training wasn’t filling me with confidence. I was racked with doubt all the way round. I kept posting my progress to Facebook on the way round. The responses actually give me the encouragement to carry on. Friends posting encouragement. Friends even seeing me on the course.

Seeing a complete stranger in the middle of nowhere with a table with bowls of frazzles, sweets and coke (the fizzy kind!) is odd. For most people, they would greet this with some apprehension. For someone who encounters this on Green Man, you initially think it is some form of mirage. Then you realise it’s real. Then a wave of warmth and gratitude wash over you. The effects of this random act of kindness is immense. At that stage of the race, there won’t be too many other runners around. To see someone who understands what you are going through and bearing gifts is incredible.

The first year I did Green Man, I finished just under 4 minutes over the cut-off. 46 miles and I missed the cut-off by a matter of minutes. This kind of nearby miss leaves a scar. I have now done Green Man four times, finishing within the cut-off only twice. But I’m proud of every single result. I may not be fast but I didn’t give up, despite the blisters last March. Didn’t give up in 30 degree heat last summer.

In order to prepare for something like Green Man, you need to replicate the conditions. Doynton is a great way to replicate the conditions. I use Doynton as training and as a way to pay it back. To thank the marshals and also helping friends beat their self doubt.

I continue to battle my own self doubt. As each year passes, I find more things to give me confidence. I finished Green Man and South Downs despite massive blisters. The little voice got the better of me at Conti. Was it my body really telling me the blisters were coming back or did I succumb to self doubt? I don’t know. I had the summer Green Man coming up and I didn’t want to risk things.

This year is my greatest test. Go big or go home? I went big. Not too many things bigger than 100 miles. My entire year is based on this one objective. It might come crashing down due to injury or something else beyond my control. If so, there is always next year or the year after. I have quite a few races planned for this year, most of which are purely to provide “evidence” to help me conquer my self doubt. To condition my body for what lies ahead.

Even though my entire year is planned around this one event, I will still be there for you. I will still cheer you on when I see you. I will pace you to that PB if I can. I know how tough that battle with your self doubt can be. If I can play a small part in helping you in your battle, I will get just a much satisfaction from that small act as I did when I finished my first Green Man.

To me, this is what Emersons Green Running club and parkrun represent. A community that provides emotional support that drives people to achieve bigger and better things.